B.O.R.E.D. - Aug 6, 2004

B.O.R.E.D.
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by Daniel Kaplan (archives)
August 6, 2004
Daniel jumps on the list bandwagon with the 5 worst attraction endings and his weekend movie top 10.

B.O.R.E.D.
Box Office Reported Eloquently by Daniel

Lists, Lists, Everywhere Lists

Recently I've noticed a trend in recent television of "list" specials.  While honestly, I do find myself watching these specials I wonder what the point of all of them are.  Why do I really care what the #1 Film Bathroom is or the #1 Pond of America is?  I wish I did, because then I could fulfill it without having to watch these long drawn out specials that ultimately serve little purpose.  I mean, who makes up these lists anyway?  What gives these people the right to determine the #1 Hot Dog Stand in the world?  Shouldn't there be a vote on this or something?  Some list specials are downright hilarious, especially the lengthy ones that deal with a top 100+.  Sorry, but if your list special goes on for more than 4 hours, I think you're stooping to basic programming filler.  I guess it could be worse, it could be ads for the Nosercise 3000.  Anyway, since pointless lists are on my mind, and I love being a complete hypocrite, I figured I might as well share one of my own:
 
The Top 5 Worst Theme Park Attraction Endings of all time
 
#5 - Revenge of the Mummy (Florida version)
The Revenge of the Mummy plotline doesn't really make a lot of sense and the ending only adds to the confusion.  It took me 10 rides just to understand the ending, and even now it still it doesn't really have any logic to it.  Universal bills the attraction as "a psychological thrill ride" and it's big ending is a video from Brendan Frasier?  Disappointing.
 
#4 - Jaws
Another Universal attraction to add to the list.  It's an OK ending to have Jaws get electrocuted, but to have him then come up out of the river as charred mess is just ridiculous.  It "jumps the shark", ha, get it?  Ok it wasn't funny, but neither is seeing a disgusting burnt shark.
 
#3 - Enchanted Tiki Room: Under New Management
The audience is all excited over the musical number when out of nowhere Iago tells everyone to "get on your feet."  While a cute musical cue, it's a rather abrupt and almost rude ending to the show.  There is no climax, no interesting resolution or crescendo.  You just leave.
 
#2 - Maelstrom
Everything about this ride was disappointing to me, but perhaps nothing more than that after the drop you simply pass by an oil derrick and the ride is over.  A rather bland scene too, with just some wave machines to make it interesting.  Oh, and the travelogue at the end is pretty pointless.
 
#1 - Snow White's Scary Adventures
It's infamous, one of the most talked about bad endings to an attraction.  Snow White's Scary Adventures ends on of the most sour notes of any Disney attraction, a death scene.  The witch screams and the ride is over.  Sure there is that cute "and they lived happily ever after painting", but it doesn't make up from the abruptness and strangeness of the final scene.  Laughably bad, and certainly memorable, Snow White's Scary Adventures is the #1 Worst Theme Park Ending of All Time.
 
Classic quote of the week: "I'm not the one with the purple hair." - David from Flight of the Navigator
 
Tragic quote of the week:  "Young love. . .love, love, love, love, love, love, love. . .a love so lovely." - lyrics from Three Musketeers
 
This weekend
Unfortunately for Disney, the Village has not really caught on with audiences and was pretty smashed by the critics.  Watch for the Village to complete crumble this weekend and maybe scrounge up over $100 million over it's run.   Disney now has two major film releases left with the Incredibles and National Treasure, as well as smaller films like Princess Diaries 2.  With so much ground to make up though, it's really shaping up to just be a bad year.
 
#1   - Collateral $27 million
#2   - The Village $18.9 million
#3   - Little Black Book $13 million
#4   - Bourne Supremacy $12.8 million
#5   - The Manchurian Candidate $11.9 million
#6   - I, Robot $5.9 million
#7   - Spiderman 2 $5.3 million
#8   - Harold and Kumar go to White Castle $3.5 million
#9   - A Cinderella Story $2.8 million
#10 - Catwoman $2.6 million
 
If it were a Disney film . . .Little Black Book would be about dates written down in Disney's dark calendar like July 17th: Black Sunday and May 13th: Black Tuesday.  

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-- Daniel Kaplan
-- Posted August 6, 2004