B.O.R.E.D.
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This week Daniel revisits some past columns and gives another of his popular theme park attraction lists.
B.O.R.E.D.
Box Office Eloquently Reported by Daniel
Since this summer is full of sequels, I decided to make a column of sequels.
Ok, I know it's a pothetic tagline, but I tried ok?
T-Shirts (Again!)
Regular readers of this column have seen by now my criticisms and comments on what people wear. Well, recently I've been wondering about a current trend to wear designer names. I understand wearing brands that are higher quality as a status thing, or even just because it's trendy, but I'm talking about just wearing the names themselves. You know the kind where it just has the name of the fashion designer. I'm not sure what kind of message you're trying to send, but the message I get from it is that you're too cheap to buy the actual clothesline. I mean, the actual clothesline isn't just T-shirts with the name, it's clothes that have a certain style. Wearing just the name of the store or designer proves that you do nothing more than go shopping in the $5 dollar or less section. I guess it's a way to feel trendy without really having to spend money. Why advertise somebody whose clothes you obviously feel are too expensive? It seems like an oxymoron to me, in order to feel like you're in with the times, you prove to everyone you're to cheap to do so. It's depressing I tell you, depressing.
Regular readers of this column have seen by now my criticisms and comments on what people wear. Well, recently I've been wondering about a current trend to wear designer names. I understand wearing brands that are higher quality as a status thing, or even just because it's trendy, but I'm talking about just wearing the names themselves. You know the kind where it just has the name of the fashion designer. I'm not sure what kind of message you're trying to send, but the message I get from it is that you're too cheap to buy the actual clothesline. I mean, the actual clothesline isn't just T-shirts with the name, it's clothes that have a certain style. Wearing just the name of the store or designer proves that you do nothing more than go shopping in the $5 dollar or less section. I guess it's a way to feel trendy without really having to spend money. Why advertise somebody whose clothes you obviously feel are too expensive? It seems like an oxymoron to me, in order to feel like you're in with the times, you prove to everyone you're to cheap to do so. It's depressing I tell you, depressing.
Speaking of clothes, the other day I saw a "Disney" T-shirt from one of those
cheap tourist shops. It had the tagline "Brunettes have all the fun" with a
picture of Snow White. Now is it just me or is Snow White not a brunette? I
hate to be too picky over what the description of a brunette is but as far as
I know it's somebody with brownish hair, not black.
Oh and don't get me started on the official Disney Jessica Rabbit surfboard
shirt. You know the one I'm talking about.
Lists
Due to the amazingly positive reaction of last column's list I decided to include a list on a fairly regular basis. Ok, so I'm stretching again, but it should be a fun feature of the column.
This list is:
"Strange Moments in Attractions that Make No Logical Sense Even Within the Exotic Nature of the Themed Environment"
"Strange Moments in Attractions that Make No Logical Sense Even Within the Exotic Nature of the Themed Environment"
In other words, parts of rides that don't really make any sense and sometimes
take away from the entire experience. In no particular order:
Soarin' Over California - "The Reveal That Never Was"
From the beginning it's obvious what Soarin' is themed to. You start in a hangar themed building. The queue continues to set up the hangar theme. You watch the TV monitors and see a pilot on the screen, as if you are going on an airline. Then the doors open and you enter the hangar to get on your aircraft and. . .oh wait! What? You enter the doors to see a large IMAX screen and a huge metal arm with seats connected to it. Never were we told this was a simulator, never were we told exactly what it was. But walking into essential an IMAX theater with a gigantic erector set in it is completely unexpected. The ride makes the situation stranger by putting in the dialogue, "Make sure all your seatbelts are fastened and your tray tables are in the full upright and locked position." This continues the airplane theme, but is even more confusing. There are no tray tables. Is this just a joke? Are we supposed to be imagining tray tables? Did they lose the budget for them?
From the beginning it's obvious what Soarin' is themed to. You start in a hangar themed building. The queue continues to set up the hangar theme. You watch the TV monitors and see a pilot on the screen, as if you are going on an airline. Then the doors open and you enter the hangar to get on your aircraft and. . .oh wait! What? You enter the doors to see a large IMAX screen and a huge metal arm with seats connected to it. Never were we told this was a simulator, never were we told exactly what it was. But walking into essential an IMAX theater with a gigantic erector set in it is completely unexpected. The ride makes the situation stranger by putting in the dialogue, "Make sure all your seatbelts are fastened and your tray tables are in the full upright and locked position." This continues the airplane theme, but is even more confusing. There are no tray tables. Is this just a joke? Are we supposed to be imagining tray tables? Did they lose the budget for them?
Haunted Mansion - "The Jump from the Attic"
The Haunted Mansion isn't exactly realistic, what with you getting on Doombuggies that mystically move throughout the mansion. However the ride takes a huge leap of logic when you exit the attic and travel down toward a graveyard. Are we supposed to assume we are "floating down" from the attic? Are we going down a large staircase that leads from the attic to the graveyard?
Universal Studios Florida's Revenge of the Mummy - "It's the End! Oh Wait, Just Kidding!"
If you haven't been on the attraction this will spoil some of the attraction for you. On the ride you enter what seems to be an unloading station when all of a sudden an explosion happens and it's revealed to not be the end of the attraction. Now the question is was that supposed to be the ending? Because you keep going down what seems to be a track and it leads to another ending? Did the mummy build this elaborate unload just to fool you into letting your guard down? It just doesn't make any sense.