The Humor Mill - Jun 17, 2005

The Humor Mill
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by Daniel Kaplan (archives)
June 17, 2005
Daniels weekly look at Disney news and box office predictions.

The Humor Mill

In the News
Disney announced that the 31st version of Swiss Family Robinson is scheduled for production. Ok, so maybe there weren't that many versions, but it still strikes me odd. There have been plenty of odd variations already, including the TV film Beverly Hills Robinson. In case you haven't seen it, don't, it's pretty bad. One wonders what exciting new twist will make this interpretation stand out. Maybe in this story the marooned crew will all have strange unexplained reasons for being on the ill-fated voyage that slowly get unraveled in a series of extensive flashbacks and somewhere on the island is a strange unknown creature that stalks the jungle. Nah, that would never work.

The Toy Story 3 plotline has been released. According to Reuters/Hollywood Reporter: "The story follows Buzz Lightyear as he is recalled to Taiwan after a series of malfunctions. Learning of a product wide recall, all the toys in Andy's room, under Woody's leadership, head to Taiwan to save Buzz from doom." Sounds like a cinematic retelling of the Rescuers incident from a few years back. From what I understand the current working title of the film is Toy Story 3: Total Recall. Other films Disney's working on includes A Day in the Life of Wilbur Robinson, a sci-fi picture about time-traveling. Sci-fi seems like a great genre for animation considering the major successes of Atlantis the Lost Empire, Titan A.E, Iron Giant Final Fantasy and Treasure Planet. Another computer animated film in the works, American Dog from Lilo and Stitch director Chris Sanders is going to feature a radioactive rabbit. Now that's cool.

The magician David Blaine has been sued by a man accusing him of stealing his supernatural powers. Remember the "good old days" when magicians would pull rabbits out of their hat or saw a person in half? There was also one of my favorites, the teleportation across stage by use of identical twins. Enclosing yourself in a box for 42 days? Not too exciting honestly. Which brings us to the list.

The List
The Top 10 Worst Magicians

#10 Fairy Godmother from Cinderella
OK, maybe I'm being a little too harsh but a spell that only lasts a couple of hours? Not very impressive. At least the slippers didn't disappear, although one wonders if the Fairy Godmother could create slippers that would last indefinitely why couldn't she create a ball gown and coach that could last beyond midnight.

#9 Magica De Spell from Ducktales
It seems to me that all her important spells involve Scrooge Mcduck's #1 dime. Maybe if her magic was more advanced she wouldn't need such a lucky object.

#8 The Jester from Pocahontas II: Journey to the new World
Honestly not too bad of a magician, but his annoying "Things are Not What They Appear" song has just got to go.

#7 The Three Headed Troll from Malestrom
Why does the three headed troll (I think I'll call him Bill) send you over a waterfall by way of the North Pole? Seems a little complicated to me. By the time you actually get to the falls, your ship has the lost the necessary speed and you end up reversing direction. Of course, maybe the whole plan was really to get you down the other waterfall so you'd have to experience the boring oil derrick show scene.

#6 The Wicked Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
OK, sure she can turn herself into an old hag and place the princess under an evil spell, but isn't the whole "love's first kiss" angle a huge loophole. After all, Snow White is the fairest princess in the land and she's already had a handsome young man profess his love to her. Couldn't she have just used poison and saved herself all that trouble?

#5 Fritz from the Enchanted Tiki Room
Making audiences disappear hardly counts as magic, just ask Cast Members who work Innoventions.

#4 Mickey Mouse
Let us not forget the little broom episode, shall we? Yensid was very upset about it, especially when he saw the water bill for the month.

#3 Donald Duck
Maybe it's just the hat, but Donald Duck can't seem to be able to control the sorcerer hat either. He also can't do the easy "blow-on-your-finger-to-make-yourself-bigger" trick in Three Caballeros. Maybe he just suffers from an inferiority complex. Being a duck who can't fly must be very depressing to say the least.

#2 Bert from Mary Poppins
Obviously not very magical as he complicates such incredibly simple tricks. Because you know anybody can jump into a concrete chalk drawing.

#1 Professor Emilius Browne from Bedknobs and Broomsticks
The definitive bad magician. Professor Emilus Browne isn't only just awful, but he makes his money being awful. At least he managed to pull the transformation into a rabbit.

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