Rhett Wickham: Ah Retirement, Where is Thy Sting!?
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Ah Retirement, Where is Thy Sting!?
A Fictional Account of Michael Eisner's Application to a Club That Won't Have Him
By Rhett Wickham

As the cool morning breeze of the fall danced across the terrace of their Southern California home, Jane Eisner and her husband, Michael, sat quietly enjoying the comforts of a low-carb low fat breakfast and decaf coffee.

"Honey, I've got a volunteer board meeting today at noon. So I might not be home until just before dinner. What are your plans for lunch?"

"Nothing," said Michael, "I was thinking of playing some golf, but Phil just called to say that Diller is in the clubhouse, so I think I'll just stay in. I'm sure nobody else there wants to play eighteen holes with the biggest bad guy in Hollywood right now, anyway."

"Michael, honey, I'm worried that you're blowing this all out of proportion. You're not a bad guy, you're a good guy. You're a hero to me and the boys. Oh...that reminds me. Joe's coming home this weekend, and I don't want you being a wet blanket the entire time. You're not to pester him with what he's doing with his life, and under no circumstances are you to get into an argument about why he chose UC over a ‘good solid East Coast university.' Really, Michael, you need to get out of the house and do something, get involved with the community, contribute. That will make you feel better about yourself. You're a good man honey, pull yourself up out of the blues and do something constructive."

"Jane, I did do something constructive! I made a once floundering movie studio into one of the great media giants of the world. I spent over two decades at the helm of the greatest family entertainment empire. A few missteps and suddenly I'm a reason for the President to ask Congress for permission to invade our home and kick me out! If I'm a hero, where's my tribute, huh? Tell me, Janie, where's my parade? Since my retirement not a single mention on A Current Affair!"

"Michael, you're turning red, honey. Calm down. There's more to life than what you used to be. There's the future, and what you are now, what you have yet to accomplish. Have you called Warren Buffett? Surely he must have a group of some sort that you could join."

"He's not taking my calls."

"Oh that's silly, Mike. Call him again, and use your last name, he might have you confused with you know who. Honestly, darling, I don't care who you call or what the group is, but you need to be with men and women like yourself, and take advantage of your talents in a new and more creative way. Now I've got to go or I'll be late."

Leaning in to kiss her husband on the forehead, Jane Eisner got up from the table and headed into the house, leaving him with a final word of advice "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Michael, you're hardly the greatest villain in history. I'll see you at dinner."

"What did you say?!" Running into the house after his wife.

"I said I'll see you at dinner," she responded, rolling her eyes.

"No, before that."

Jane reached for her purse with one hand and the front door with her other hand. "I said you're not a villain, Michael. Take a shower and get dressed."

As the door closed and the click of his wife's heels echoed down the driveway, Michael Eisner stood in the vestibule of his home and repeated softly to himself "That's it. That's it. That's it!"

Racing to the phone he called his former assistant and asked her to set up a lunch meeting for him with several influential individuals that he was certain would see value in the former Disney CEO.

"Mr. Eisner, are you sure? I mean it's not really like you belong with these people, you know? Some are human, but some are down right beasts!" said Mindy. "Why don't I get you a table at The Ivy and see if Breck can get away from the editing room to come meet you for an hour."

"NO! I want to meet them and I want to meet them today, make it happen!" barked Eisner.

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