Lady Gaga just finished her beautiful acid trip of a Super Bowl Halftime show and it has got me and the rest of the Disney fan community thinking. Captain EO, the infamous 1986 3-D spectacular at Disney Parks, was created around mega popstar, Michael Jackson. His tendency to perform in a flashy and almost extraterrestrial manner worked wonders for his ability to become the titular Captain and, eventual, change the world and help out Angelica Houston for some reason? (That casting is almost as weird as her presence on Smash. I will never not reference Smash on this site if I have the opportunity.)
Now, in the grand scheme of things, who is a mega pop star at the moment that tends towards flashy and other-worldly imagery in their songs and performances? Gaga. I mean, she went down the red carpet in an egg. AN EGG, Y’ALL.
Especially after the banana-pants-but-in-the-best-way-possible Super Bowl performance, jumping from the roof of the stadium like that’s how she wakes up in the morning, she is destined for a Captain EO reboot. Cool sci-fi Disney 4-D film with Gaga and feminism?! YES PLEASE.
No, this has not been announced by Disney.
No, this has not been hinted at by Disney.
Yes, this is the best idea ever.
The theaters that hosted Captain EO are now sad versions of their former selves. One plays movie previews every now and again, one has a “Disney/Pixar Short Film Festival,” which may be the saddest attraction Disney has allowed to exist since Superstar Limo. In this world of reboots, why not bring back a beloved sci-fi event film for the parks with a huge pop star to fill those vacant theaters where the film could flourish?!
I’d now like to take the time to give a brief synopsis of what the new film should be like:
- The narrator, Viola Davis, would set-up the plot as the spaceship flies by (hopefully looking less like the angler fish from Finding Nemo and more like an actual mode of transportation. I’m all for suspending disbelief, but the design of the original was ghastly. Oh, and this one would be bedazzled. ‘Cause Gaga.
- The rag tag bunch that help run the spaceship would be voiced by the cast of Stranger Things (You don’t know how badly I want to read a press release stating “and Hooter, voiced by Winona Ryder.”), while all characters’ designs would be updated to feel more modern and less grotesque. And all shiny. ‘Cause Gaga.
- Gaga would rise from the barracks of the ship like the star she is, probably wearing something spiky and fabulous, as she tries to steer the ship in the right direction. Most of the script would change (it would be re-written by Shonda Rhimes), except for the line about command seeing them as a bunch of losers, ’cause that’s what Gaga is all about. Being yourself. *raises peace sign in the air in Spice Girls-esque moment*
- They all, eventually, arrive on the planet to find the Supreme Leader, played by Amy Adams. The set-up is less “local garbage dump” dystopia, and more “abandoned fashion runway” dystopia. This is because Tom Ford would direct.
- As the climax of “We Are Here to Change the World” begins to be performed, the troops would be turned into futuristic high fashion models on this intergalactic runway (Yeah, I’ve thought about it.) The environment would become more and more sterile as the music changes the environment. Not only would the on-screen environment would change, but the theaters’ cluttered and dirty walls would lift to reveal technicolor angular ones, making it a 360-degree experience.
- The arrangement of “We Are Here to Change the World” would become more in Gaga’s wheelhouse, with a larger modern electronic beat, with a heavy horn section, ’cause Gaga.
- Amy Adams’ transformation would be less “ethereal space princess” and more this
- Gaga would, in fact, change the world, and her exit would involve the entire theater, as when her glorious runway walk off camera begins, drones will descend from the ceiling and fly above the audience. Why? Who cares, DRONES ARE COOL!
- The gift shop would include plush of the newly cute crew (Don’t pretend like the originals were adorable. Hooter looked like Mandy Moore in that weird old-age make-up on NBC’s This Is Us.) along with the newly designed color t-shirt that would be bedazzled as well, because DUH.
- The film would be nominated for Best Short Film at the Oscars after heavy campaigning and a qualifying run in an LA theater.
Tell me that wouldn’t be dreamy. TELL ME. A Gaga Space Fashion Sci-Fi Fantasy?! It would be phenomenal. Disney, let’s make this happen. Let the personal campaigning for this to come to fruition BEGIN!