B.O.R.E.D. - May 14, 2004

B.O.R.E.D.
Page 1 of 1

by Daniel Kaplan (archives)
May 14, 2004
In addition to the box office predictions, Daniel gets on his soap box about language and gives some really bad ideas for Disneyland's 50th.

B.O.R.E.D
Box Office Reported Eloquently by Daniel

There is No Finish Line
The other day I saw a shirt that had the tagline, "There is no finish line" on it.  Now it was advertising a product which I will not mention to avoid giving free publicity.  Anyway, I find it hard to believe that anybody would find such a slogan appealing.  First of all, what does it mean exactly?  Is it implying that we are involved in a never ending sports game in which there is no ending?  That's incredibly disturbing. Is it implying that there is no end to life?  That's incredibly stupid.  Is it implying you were too cheap to stretch a piece of tape across a tarmac track?  That's incredibly tacky.  Is it implying that finish lines are just a fraud, that all races are really just rigged events designed to tap into our aggressive competitive nature?  That's incredibly paranoid.  Whatever it means, or if it does mean anything, the better question is why would you wear such a shirt.  I guess the fact that when I asked the person wearing the shirt what the slogan meant and I got the reply, "I don't know" is answer enough.

 
Welcome to Smurfland
Using language well is a powerful tool.  It allows you to communicate each other in ways more rich and fulfilling than just simple speech.  However, lately it seems that even asking for simple speech is asking too much.  Modern times, I guess, dictates basic conversations to be composed of simple words with "colorful" phrases thrown in liberally.  When I say liberally, I mean liberally.  Sure contextual clues can give away most meanings, but people use the same "colorful" word for an adverb, adjective and noun in the same sentence. This is not just lazy but extremely confusing. In fact the whole situation is confusing.  If these words are considered basic language and are no longer considered improper, than what's the point of scattering throughout conversations so much?  Growing up as a kid I would occasionally watch the Smurf TV show on television.  In that show the Smurfs would just throw in at random the word "smurf."  It gave a cute sort of simple-minded quality to the characters.  Unfortunately, it seems that people have decided that Smurf talk is exactly the way to communicate with each other.  It makes you just want to walk down the street and go, "Popcorn! That popcorning stalk was porcorned."  Oh by the way I meant, "Wow! That amazing car was in an accident."  I'm reminded of a Twilight Zone episode where a man finds himself having conversations with people when strange things start happening.  People begin to substitute words for other words and eventually by the end of the episode the man has to relearn the entire language over again.  One wonders if in a few years after people using the same 4 words to mean just about anything someone will realize that nobody understands each other anymore. 
 
All right I'm off my popcorn box.
 

It Could Have Been Worse
People online are already worried about the s "dressing-up" of Sleeping Beauty's Castle. The Jewleryification (Disney, you can use that. . .but please don't) may seem like a bad idea. Trust me, it could have been a lot worse.  Picture these:
 
Disneyland's 50th Anniversary 50's Castle
Yes, that's right folks, we're returning you to the era of jukeboxes and poodle skirts.  The castle now features a very retro black and white checkered paint job.  Gigantic replications of 45 records now adorn the castle walls.  The records feature such titles as, "Frontierland Four: Why Won't This Mule Move" and "Fantasyland Five: "Is That Gas I Smell?"  The main tower now has hula hoops perpetually circling in a rhythmic motion.
 
Disneyland's 5th-"Tee"-th Castle
What did Walt Disney like more than anything?  Umm. . .well. . .ok so maybe that's not the best way to start this promotion but everybody likes golf.  Sleeping Beauty's Castle has now been covered by a giant golf Tee with a cute Mickey Mouse shaped golf ball on top.  The moat has been filled in with perfectly manicured green grass with sprinklers perpetually going even when it's been raining for 3 hours.  Snow White's Grotto is now Jafar's Sand Trap with a cute little penny collector.  Just put it inside Jafar's mouth and watch is slide around and around down his coils.  The inside of Sleeping Beauty's Castle is finally opened back up as a small 5 hole mini-golf course.  Be careful not to hit it too hard on the 3rd hole (you know the one where you hit it through the spinning spindle) because it's rather hard to retrieve your ball from the top of Peter Pan's Flight.
 
Disneyland's 5th-Tea-th Castle
What beverage sums up the Disneyland Resort like no other?  I'm sorry but Banana Milk is not the answer, it's of course tea.  Sleeping Beauty's Castle has now become a giant teapot complete with a steaming nozzle.  When the teakettle whistles you know it's time for the big bubbles in the new exciting water play area down at the kettle's base.  Acting like a natural hot spring, the new area should be a big hit for those folks that have always wanted a jacuzzi right in front of the castle.  Around the edges of the pool giant vertical teabags will have cute gag names like, "Walt Disney's Beef Chili Tea", and "Roy Disney's 'Letum Tea'."
 

Disneyland's Fife-tieth Castle
Disneyland has such high pitched excitement, what better way to celebrate than with a high-pitched instrument.  Sleeping Beauty's Castle has been covered with colorful fifes and some occasional drums as well.  Guests can now experience the special Piercing Bridge with "musical" stones that guests can walk over.  When you walk over them, random fifes will play random notes.  The combined effort is so dramatic it certainly cannot be forgotten.  WARNING: Guest wearing glasses, using a glass eye, holding cameras or anything else with glass cannot experience Piercing Bridge.  You are also advised to stay at least 58 feet from Sleeping Beauty's Castle.
 
Classic quote of the week
"Man. . .was in the forest." Bambi's mother from Bambi
 
Tragic quote of the week
"Congratulations boy, you win the solid gold Cupie doll" - Rourke from Atlantis
 
This weekend
Troy is a huge movie. Gigantic budget, big stars, lots of promotion and unfortunately one problem.   The film carries the 'R' rating.  This insures the film will not be #1 of the year, because I cannot by any means see it beating The Passion of the Christ.  So the question is, how will the 'R' rating hurt the film.  Gladiator, also rated 'R' was fairly successful, but didn't draw nearly the crowds as the PG-13 hits Spiderman, the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Pirates of the Caribbean have.  Troy seems to be aiming for a happy medium between the fans of serious epics and those who just want a "popcorn" style film.  It will be interesting to see exactly where it turns up.  Before the summer season started I predicted a $221 million gross and I still think that's possible.  However with bad reviews coming in it might cap out before then. At any rate the film is certainly going to open up with a big splash.
 
Top 10

#1  - Troy $57.2 million
#2  - Van Helsing $22.2 million -57%
#3  - Mean Girls $8.2 million -40%
#4  - Breakin' All the Rule $6.2 million
#5  - Man on Fire $4.5 million -45%
#6  - 13 Going on 30 $3.6 million -39%
#7  - Laws of Attraction $2 million -45%
#8  - New York Minute $2.4 million -60%
#9  - Kill Bill Vol 2 $1.8 -42%
#10 - Godsend $1.3 -54%

 
If it was a Disney film
Troy would be a wild zany comedy starring Troy from the Apprentice.  In the film a Chicago Marketing Firm director would inherit his uncle's soybean farm in Iowa.  After quitting by sending a virus to everyone's computer simultaneously he moves to the farm.  After realizing that the soybeans aren't making a profit he comes up with a strange idea of building an Internet cafe.

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-- Daniel Kaplan
-- Posted May 14, 2004