The Humor Mill - Jun 24, 2005

The Humor Mill
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by (archives)
June 24, 2005
This week, Daniel talks Lindsay Lohan, the Top 10 Reasons Not to be a Disney Prince, box office predictions and more.

The Humor Mill

In the News
Disney Consumer Products announced a "That's So Raven" perfume line.  It's certainly a more interesting product tie-in and a lot better of an idea than the Hillary Duff pitch-correcting microphone or the Lindsay Lohan hair-bleaching kit.

 
An speaking of Lindsay Lohan, according to Hollywood.com Lindsay Lohan stormed out of the theater when she realized that a song she recorded was cut from the film and placed over the end credits. Maybe a bit of an overreaction, but I can understand.  After all I've felt like storming out of a movie when a song played during the movie that sounded like it should have been over the end credits.
 
Disney consumer products announced that the Disney Princess Line will reach $3 billion dollars in worldwide sales.  Sadly the Prince Line only made $5.36.  Understandable considering it's kind of hard to sell merchandise when the princes don't even have names. 
 
And with that I present...the list 

The List
The Top 10 Reasons Not to be a Prince in a Disney Animated Film
 
#10  - The Sappy Song
The prince never gets to sing the fun, happy song of the film.  It's usually the most sappy, slow song.
 
#9  - Lack of Dialogue
The prince rarely gets any lines, and when they do they're of little value.  Basically they're there to declare their love, and then immediately thrown off screen.  It's sad, really.
 
#8  - The Lack of Friends
Most Disney princes don't have many friends, or at least don't appear to.  Sure they have family they interact with, but they don't have talking mice or fairies to talk to.  They are allowed a pet, because a surefire sign of masculinity is owning a huge sheepdog.
 
#7  - Personality Loss
For some reason becoming a Disney prince also means depleting your body of all personality.  No longer are the characters a human soul, but a mindless machine that wanders through life without much purpose.  Oh wait, their purpose is to make the heroine of the film happy. 
 
#6  - Repetitive Wardrobe
Most men don't necessary get a big kick about clothes, but why do Disney princes always were the exact same outfit?  Aren't they rich enough to afford some other clothes? 
 
#5  - Lack of Name
While mentioned earlier it bears repeating.  Don't you think it's odd that the Prince from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs has existed all the years without a name?  Couldn't they just pick a random name from the dictionary? How hard is it?
 
#4  - The Forced Marriage
It's impossible for them to last through the entire film and not be paired off.  What if the prince doesn't particularly like former mermaids, or girls that have just come out of a comatose state?  They're still expected to come in at the last minute and marry the girl off.
 
#3  - The Outfits Themselves
Separate from the repetitive nature of the costuming, is the fact that most of the outfits the princes wear doesn't appear to be all the comfortable.  One might wonder how itchy their tights are or how hot it must be in all those layers of clothing.
 
#2  - The Boring Life
Let's face it, the lives of the princes in these movies really looks like a snooze.  The Prince in Snow White and Prince Phillip don't really appear do anything besides ride their horses around, Prince Eric goes sailing around just for the fun of it (probably to cure his boredom) and the Prince in Cinderella just sits in his castle listening to his father complain about his lack of grandchildren.  Meanwhile the heroines run through forests, explore shipwrecks and all other kinds of exciting activities.
 
#1  - Responsibility to Save the Day
It's not much fun knowing that your sole purpose in life is to save the day at the end and clean up somebody else's mess.  Especially when it involves facing giant fire-breathing dragons or 60 feet tall sea witches.  To quote Han Solo, "No reward is worth this."
 
A Look Back
June 18th marked the 49th anniversary of Storybook Land Canal Boats.  This attraction replaced the beloved Canal Boats of the World, with it's wonderful collection of dirt from all over the globe.
 
June 19th was the 7th anniversary of Disney Quest, the first (and probably last) "virtual" theme park.  It's kind of sad when the coolest thing about an attraction is the elevator.  Well, unless you're the Tower of Terror.
 
River Country 29th anniversary occurred on June 20th.  River Country is widely regarded as one of the first major water parks and especially one of the first themed ones.  When I think of River Country I'm always reminded of an old travel special I saw.  It had this one section where they built up the big slide, the flume. The host asked in an ominous voice, "Are you ready for the flume?  Is anybody ever really ready for the flume?"  It was pretty hilarious especially considering the flume was incredibly tame by today's standards.
 
The same day also marked the 10 anniversary of the opening of The ExtraTERRORrestial Alien Encounter.  This highly debated and controversial attraction answered the question, "Could Disney really build an attraction that uses mist to simulate blood splattering from the roof?"  Of course why that question was asked in the first place remains a mystery to me.
 
June 23rd was the Skyway's 49th anniversary.  The attraction closed in Disneyland under rumors of the attraction not being able to comply with wheelchair laws.  Personally I don't understand why they couldn't just strap wheelchairs to the cable line.
 
And of course who could forget that June 18th and June 24th marked the anniversary of Air Bud Seventh Inning Fetch and Air Bud Strikes Back respectively.  Personally, I found the whole Air Bud series quite entertaining.  Well, until the Air Bud: Triple Axel video came out, that was bit much.

The World of Film 
Herbie: Fully Loaded (I guess they were planning on following it up with Herbie: Revolutions) opened on Wednesday with a resounding thud.  The film took in less than $3 million dollars, which is very disappointing. Freaky Friday, Lindsay Lohan's last Disney film brought in $22 million over it's first weekend but Herbie: Fully Loaded will almost assuredly not reach close to that figure.  Bewitched, starring Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell also premieres this weekend. The film doesn't look that promising but it should have a decent opening.
 
My Predictions
 
#1  - Batman Begins $28.5 million
#2  - Bewitched $22 million
#3  - Herbie: Fully Loaded $16.5 million
#4  - Mr. and Mrs. Smith $16 million
#5  - Land of the Dead $11 million
#6  - Madagascar $7.5 million
#7  - Revenge of the Sith $7 million
#8  - The Longest Yard $5.5 million
#9  - Sharkboy and Lava Girl $3.5 million
#10 - Cinderella Man $3 million
 
If It Were a Disney film. . .Land of the Dead would be about the state of Tomorrowland in Disneyland.

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-- Daniel Kaplan
-- Posted June 24, 2005