I have spent my entire day watching DWTS dances and listening to Bond songs of yesteryear. It has absolutely consumed every hour I have been awake. James Bond is my favorite movie franchise. DWTS is my favorite competition show. Tonight might just be the greatest night of my life? Watch this space. (Ezra also hinted that he’s descending from the ceiling at some point so, yeah, I’m thrilled for me.)
The show started with a Derek Hough descending from the ceiling, accompanied by every pro dancing to “Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney. I cried. Now, the dances!
(I will be highlighting the songs that each couple will be dancing to this week because Bond is more important to me than any relationship I’ve ever had.)
Charli D’Amelio and Mark Ballas – Rumba – “No Time to Die” by Billie Eilish – Charli is worried about the romance and eye contact needed for the rumba, which I completely understand. Being forced to be romantic and sultry is super awkward, we can’t deny that! However, there was no reason to be stressed, as Charli killed this. Tyra even said “Nervous my butt, Charli!” Len was effusive in his praise for her ability to change her speed effortlessly, while Carrie Ann gave a simple suggestion to be less “directional” in where she places her attention. Mark Ballas’ choreography was stunning and I want this Emmy-nominated next year.
Judges Scores: 8 – 8 – 8 – 9
Cheryl Ladd and Louis Van Amstel – Rumba – “Diamonds Are Forever” by Shirley Bassey – Cheryl is disappointed in herself after last week, which is understandable. She is putting in tons of effort in rehearsals to remain out of the bottom two this week. Cheryl is a vision, dazzling in diamonds and sparkles. (Ezra adorned her with a necklace, so it’s already a great dance in my book.) Derek immediately states it was her best dance! HUZZAH! Her confidence, her arms, her rumba walks, and her singalong were all a pure, sultry delight. As Team Cheryl, this is a thrill. (The scores, however, were lower than expected by all, including Artem who booed from the Skybox. Artem gets it!)
Judges Scores: 6 – 6 – 6 – 6
Trevor Donovan and Emma Slater – Tango – “You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell – Remember when Trevor came out of nowhere and slayed the rumba last week? I’m still shocked by that. He is openly concerned about the tango and his frustration is showing in the rehearsal room. His frame is not as strong as his hips were loose last week, but the performance was not bad at all. Len and Derek both noticed how the frame would slump down, while Bruno noticed how his glide became hopping at various moments. Again, not bad, but not his best.
Judges Scores: 7 – 6 – 7 – 7
(How in the world was he scored higher than CHERYL?!)
Daniel Durant and Britt Stewart – Rumba – “The World Is Not Enough” by Garbage – Britt is not letting up with the intensity of her choreography. Daniel is worried about bringing the intensity and sexiness required for the rumba, but on first glance, he shouldn’t worry. What I love about Daniel are his consistency with his extensions. Her leg or arm extension is a complete phrase, never dropping. Carrie Ann is in love with his pure dance ability, while Len appreciates his ability to control the movements and never being pulled along by Britt.
Judges Scores: 8 – SEHven – 8 – 8
Jordin Sparks and Brandon Armstrong – Rumba – “License to Kill” by Gladys Knight – This is one of my top three Bond songs of all-time, so Jordin better not mess this up for me! (I kid, I kid.) Once again, the sensuality is the biggest worry for Jordin going into the dance, but that never felt like an issue during the dance. There did seem to be a visible staccato issue when performing, the fluidity within wasn’t as strong as the rumba requires. Len noticed a clear issue with her turns, but enjoyed the dance as a whole. Derek gave great advice about keeping her arms close and her spot smaller when turning going forward.
Judges Scores: 7 – SEHven – 7 – 8
Sam Champion and Cheryl Burke – Samba – “Los Muertos Vivos Estan” by Thomas Newman ft. Tambuco – Going into this week, Sam has been having knee issues and nerve damage. Health is such an important part of this competition that is often overlooked until it goes badly. Speaking of going badly, this dance petered out as it went along. Carrie Ann appreciated his rhythm embodiment throughout the dance, but his natural joy may have worked against him. Still deserves an extra point for his self-awareness about his hips (HA) and Cheryl looking drop dead gorgeous being flipped upside down.
Judges Scores: 6 – 6 – 6 – 7
Selma Blair and Sasha Farber – Rumba – “For Your Eyes Only” by Sheena Easton – Overstimulation always kicks up Selma’s MS, but she’s incredibly resilient considering it. Sasha decides to blindfold her dancing in hopes to stop that overstimulation. Minus a clear hip issue, the performance was insane. INSANE. Bruno doesn’t want her to stop the arm extensions by dropping the wrists, but Len doesn’t agree. He loved her control, while Derek loved her straight legs. Y’all, Selma absolutely killed it. I am just in love with Selma and Sasha as a pair.
Judges Scores: 7 – SEHven – 7 – 7
Wayne Brady and Witney Carson – Tango – James Bond Theme – Wayne is the one that deserves to dance to the tried-and-true Bond theme. Wayne’s biggest worry going in are his knees, which created a scare for him last week. No issues arose during the performance with a dance that was so suave, I went out and put on a bow tie just to feel something. Carrie Ann loved how smooth he was, but wanted to see a smidge tighter footwork. Derek also praised Witney’s choreography, which has always been on another level since she joined the series. Witney hive, we rise at dawn!
Judges Scores: 8 – 8 – 8 – 9
Vinny Guadagnino and Koko Iwasaki – Rumba – “Thunderball” by Tom Jones – His week-to-week improvement was otherworldly, but can we expect the same improvement for such a fluid dance? The answer is no. Let's be clear, it’s so much better than Week 1, but the boy is stiff. His arms extensions are more holding-a-platter-of-appetizers than rumba-arm-extensions. Len wanted more attention to detail throughout. Bruno appreciated the “pictures” of the movements, but the follow through is not as strong.
Judges Scores: 6 – 5 – 6 – 6
(Ezra’s samba was the hottest thing I’ve seen since Jennifer Connelly left the door open for Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick. Ezra, may I take you on a date, please?)
Heidi D’Amelio and Artem Chigvintsev – Argentine Tango – “Another Way to Die” by Jack White & Alicia Keys – Heidi’s confidence is growing week-to-week and she’s a joy to watch in the ballroom. She is hoping for an eight going into the dance and her performance is strong enough to warrant one. As a leg flick aficionado, I wish they were a tad sharper. However, the rest of her dance was incredibly sharp. Derek screams that it was her best dance yet, because the Argentine Tango truly plays to her strengths. Carrie Ann loved her lines, Len loved the snap, crackle, and pop, and I loved her hair.
Judges Scores: 8 – 8 – 8 – 8
Shangela and Glen Savchenko – Rumba – “Goldeneye” by Tina Turner – “Can a diva get an 8?!” I would like that on a t-shirt, please. For those who are unaware of Shangela, Tina Turner is the perfect energy for Miss Halleloo. She bent her knee at a few key moments, but it was sultry as all heck. The technique, otherwise, was a delight. Carrie Ann gave a “DAYUM,” ‘cause she gets it. Len wants to see her leg extensions be a lot stronger going forward and Miss Shangela is ready to serve next week. Glen speaking beautifully about gender expression before the scores were unveiled? An extra treat!
Judges Scores: 8 – SEHven – 7 – 8
Jessie James Decker and Alan Bersten – Rumba – “Goldfinger” by Shirley Bassey – SHIRLEY. BASSEY. You cannot go wrong with Dame Bassey, honey. The pair is ready to pull out all the sensuality possible to impress the judges and make Dame Bassey proud. So, what did she go and do? Cover herself in gold body paint. Carrie Ann saw a flexed foot, Len wants to see better footwork, but I agree most with Derek. He highlights that she is continually improving week-to-week. You can tell she is working hard and taking this seriously, which is always essential during this competition.
Judges Scores: 6 – 6 – 7 – 7
Joseph Baena and Alexis Warr – Argentine Tango – “Writing’s On the Wall” by Sam Smith – With Daniella still out for COVID, Alexis is back in for the full week. Sleek, smooth, sexy, and strong are the key words for their performance set to the worst Bond song in recent memory. (Sorry.) My biggest problem is that Joseph has no personality. It’s not visible in the rehearsal room, it’s not visible in the ballroom, it’s just not there. All that being said, his dance was lovely with a very strong frame throughout. Len said it was his best dance to date, but still said it wasn’t as fluid as the Argentine Tango requires.
Judges Scores: 8 – SEHven – 7 – 7
Gabby Windey and Val Chmerkovskiy – Cha Cha – “Die Another Day” by Madonna – Gabby is feeling major imposter syndrome, acquiring great scores without a dance background. She’s ready to put every ounce of Bond Girl energy into her performance. Y’all, Gabby’s lines are so effortless. She hits every extension and line with a purpose and clear power. Carrie Ann sees her a smidge staccato within her dances, but she knows she’s a phenomenal dancer. Len said it was “crisp like a Pringle,” which is the most Len thing to ever Len in the history of Len. I need to shout out Gabby being the funniest person this season, by the way. I expect she’ll be hosting a podcast within a week of the finale.
Judges Scores: 8 – 8 – 8 – 9
Bond Night was exceptional. Ezra was a beauty. However, we must send another pair home this week. Sam & Cheryl and Cheryl & Louis round out our bottom two, with Vinny being safe. (U G H) Sam & Cheryl are saved, sending Cheryl Ladd and Louis Van Amstel home. I am devastated and will be holding a grudge against Vinny personally for the rest of the season. See you next week for Disney+ Night. Until then, BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!