Rhett Wickham
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Morning comes, I slip on my Jack Skellington lounging jacket and matching slippers and I light my Ursula candelabra and patter down the hall to the computer. Rubbing sleep from my eyes I turn on my system, drumming my fingers in bone-chilling anticipation and…..clackity calckity clackity direct dot com…..click and…
? ! ?
After I come to, I pull myself off the floor and I reach for the phone….several times I reach for the phone, until I finally realize I need to take off the hook and use my hand. I dial carefully and deliberately, and after navigating the labyrinth of touch tone options I get a live person.
“We don’t have a date on the Haunted Mansion merchandise, sir. But we have several wonderful new Villains items available.�?
“I don’t want an ice bucket, I want the good stuff, the haunted Disney, the spooky Disney, you know….for Halloween!�?
“Starting early, eh?!�?
“NO! I’m days behind!!!!�?
�?Oh…I see. Well are you looking for costumes?�?
“No, I make my own costume…Didn’t you see the Snow White Hag I did last year?! It was legendary!!!! I’m still pulling latex out of my nasiolabial folds. I’ll email you a photo.�?
“I don’t have email here, sir, but I’ll take your word for it. No costumes.�?
“Unless you have a Hat Box Ghost costume?! Do you have a Hat Box Ghost costume?�?
“Let me see…oh, yes we have an adorable Ghost costume…Ghost Dog Zero, for your dog.�?
“I don’t have a dog. I love dogs, but I can’t have pets in the apartment. Ghosts, yes. Dogs, no. And besides I’ve seen that costume and it only works if you have a very small dog. Have you see the pathetic look on that poor Beagle in the photo on-line? No. That’s a costume that only works on an accessory sized dog. I like DOG dogs. Big dogs, the kind that you can hug and wrestle and play fetch with that are scaled properly. Whereas miniature dogs are…well, something skinny models pull out of their purses to tide them over until dinner. What else do you have?�?
“Oh. Well here’s something fun, a fortune telling Villains snowglobe. And it’s on sale. Originally $98, now only $39.99�?
“Can it tell me when the Haunted Mansion merchandise is coming out?�?
“(Cheerful and well rehearsed guest services laughter) Well you can give it a try!�?
“Fine, ship it overnight!�?
The next morning, in my Cruella night shirt and Maleficent double-horned sleeping cap I claw my way to the door when the buzzer rings. I tear box out of my postal carrier’s hands and scrawl a signature on the receipt.
“Have a nice day, Mr…..Frollo, is it?�?
I slam the door and I carve through the cardboard and Styrofoam. Ripping through the plastic I set the much-too-colorful snowglobe on the table next to the pumpkins (it wasn’t easy, but I found some.) Carved in the face of the snowglobe is the following incantation Ask Your Question, The Skull Then Press, To Get Your Answer of “No�? or “Yes.�?
Got it. “When will my Haunted Mansion merchandise be unveiled?�?
Press…..press…I’ve had a cold and I’m a bit hoarse so maybe it didn’t hear me.
“*ahem* When will my Haunted Mansion merchandise be unveiled?�? Nothing. I get my
Paul Frees voice distorter megaphone and try one last time “Foolish Snow Globe,
when will my Haunted Mansion collectibles be loosed upon the world!!!!!???�?
Press……press….PRESS PRESS PRESS…..
Great…..wet glitter all over my floor and I’m still none the wiser as to when Disney is going to get with the program! No wonder this junk was reduced….friggin riggin#@!%*#.... all the villains are completely off-model! Cruella looks like Sharon Stone and Hades looks like JM J Bullock! AAAAH!
Dejected and damp (but with a lovely sparkle about me) I sulk off to roam the aisles at Target and see if perhaps they have anything particularly fun and ghoulish that I don’t already own to decorate the mantle, or at the very least some cobwebs to hang along the rafters (the spiders I’ve been breeding have slowed down due to the heat wave.) Nothing, not so much as a set of fangs. I corner an associate who can guide me to the proper location, only to learn that some concerned citizens group complained to management about holiday decorations appearing too early each year, so now they don’t stock the shelves until then end of September.
September!? I’ll be dragging out the Christmas tree by then, don’t they get it?! What’s happened to this country? Have we gone completely mad? It’s 93° outside, the sun is shining, and people are in shorts and tank tops! Doesn’t anybody recognize the signs of fall?! The next thing you know I’ll see someone wearing white shoes after July 4th. SANCTUARY!!!!!!!! All this effort has made me ravenous! Hmmmm, you know I saw a Chihuahua back on aisle three……
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-- Rhett Wickham
Rhett Wickham is a regular contributor to Laughing Place, and he can be found sitting emaciated and blurry eyed in front of his computer, permanently logged in to DisneyDirect.com, and hitting the refresh button with a blistered index finger. He is also the founder of Creative Development Ink ©®, a Los Angeles based firm providing creative consulting to film and animation companies. Mr. Wickham was the creative executive behind the upcoming feature I’m Reed Fish starring Jay Baruchel, Schuylar Fisk and Alexis Bledel. His most recent interview, with Andreas Deja - focusing on the animator’s work on the character of Lilo, appears in the just published Issue #3 of Tales from the Laughing Place. He can be reached at [email protected]. (P.S. – He loves all dogs. Really, he does.)
The opinions expressed by our Rhett Wickham, and all of our columnists, do not necessarily represent the feelings of LaughingPlace.com or any of its employees or advertisers. All speculation and rumors about the future plans of the Walt Disney Company are just that - speculation and rumors - and should be treated as such.
-- Posted August 26, 2005