Welcome back my lengthy legged Lens! (I’m running out of good alliterations…) It was Spring Break Night in the ballroom, minus the annoying Greek Life students and the puke stains. Let’s jump right into the mirrorball pool! BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!
- Patti & Artem-Quickstep: It was a “Heat Wave” in the ballroom during this “Hotel LaBelle Part 2” routine. Side Note: I’d stay at that hotel. Second Side Note: I’d pay a large sum of money to stay there. Artem didn’t know about Spring Break before this week, but I think his pecs explained it well enough. He also said that Patti was in tip-top shape for this routine, and I so agree! It was full of content that she had down perfectly, and even though a shoe went flying (Lance Bass flashbacks?!), she didn’t miss a step! Julianne loved the one shoe quickstep and commended Artem (KUDOS!), while Carrie Ann loves her consistency. An 8 from Carrie Ann and 3 SEHVENs (I woud’ve added at least one more 8…).
- Nastia & Derek-Tango: Even though it was Spring Break, we celebrated “Summer” with a dance that looked nothing like the theme. Frankly, the dance seemed, in my mind, like an exact replica of the futuristic paso back in season 9…even though it wasn’t. Her hold was very solid, sometimes jumping from solid to stiff, but her pointed toes were great. BUT CO2 CANS MADE UP FOR ALL THE FAULTS! Julianne wanted more of a connection (to which I said YAHS) and Len saw too much over-rotation and speed. When boos began to drown out his words, he replied with “OH SHUT UP!” How can you not love Len!? Two 9s, from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and two 8s.
- Willow & Mark-Salsa: First off, let’s discuss how Willow found out she has extra ribs. Umm…does that equate into extra points?! I hope so. It was based off of Whiplash, but in such a basic way that it had nothing to do with Whiplash. Also, she danced to “Tequila.” She’s 14. That’s all. Anyway, the dance was great! Willow has amazing facial expressions, tight lines, and amazing lifts. Bruno loved the brilliant lifts, while Carrie Ann loved the maturity. Len wanted some better leg snap-age, aka… Erin wants to be her when she grows up and truer words have never been said. Carrie Ann originally lifted an 8, even though she ACTUALLY gave them a 9 (along with Bruno), while Len and Julianne gave 8s.
- Robert & Kym-Jive: The package was them sad over last week, and then almost a definitive answer that they are a couple. I am so happy! #DWTSBabies may happen! The routine was very Teen Beach Movie-esque (#Synergy). Small kick mess-up that wasn’t mentioned by the judges, but a great improvement over last week’s royal blunder. Carrie Ann said he got every step right, but he was out of time for each step. Len was picking up “Good Vibrations.” Bruno compared them to a pony, ’cause sure. Straight SEHVENs. Erin wants to discuss them about making out later. I hope to listen to that discussion.
- Noah & Sharna-Rumba: The package was odd, as it showed a weird fight between the two of them. After a really gorgeous routine (Sharna’s choreography this season, as a whole, has been incredible), Noah looked down in the dumps. While there was about 5 bars with no dancing, after a mess-up, Noah said he thought the package made Sharna look like the bad person, which made him feel bad and that’s all he was thinking about. AWWWW! Also, Sharna can rock a floppy hat like no other. NO OTHER. Julianne loved his hip action (to which I said YAHS), but wanted less robotic arms. All the judges commented on the mess-up (to tell you the truth, I never noticed it), but they did all enjoy it. An 8 from Carrie Ann and SEHVENs from the rest.
- Rumer & Val-Jazz: She danced to “Bootylicious.” “BOOTYLICIOUS!” People sometimes wonder what heaven will look like, but I want to let those people know that it will be just like the “Say My Name” music video (DWTS RECAP DANCE BREAK!). Destiny’s Child 5ever. I was underwhelmed, probably since we expect a lot for Rumer. It was a lot of twerking and booty popping, but no real content. I liked it, but not her best. NOT THAT DISCO SALSA. Julianne also was underwhelmed, while Carrie Ann wanted more fluidity. Len’s Quote of the Evening: “It’s the ballroom, not the bedroom.” #PREACH. However, Soliel Moon Frye LOVED it. Val apologized to Bruce, which makes me now hope that he is invited to their Thanksgiving. A SEHVEN from Julianne, a 9 from Bruno, and two 8s.
- Chris & Witney-Waltz: I wonder if this dance, set to “Hopelessly Devoted,” was weird for Julianne to watch, since she’ll be playing Sandy in Grease LIVE in January. Either way, the package included an amazing montage set to “Let’s Hear It For The Boy.” Wow, did Chris do a great job. His breakout week has FINALLY arrived. Elongated arms, strong posture, musicality finally visible. Go Chris! Bruno love it, saw it as a spinning wheel of joy (because why not). Len still said detail was crap. Can’t win ’em all!(Unless you’re Meryl. BOOM.) A SEHVEN from Len, but 8s for the other three.
- Riker & Allison-Samba: After losing a Missy Elliot tune (that was featured in a troupe number, because this show knows and loves me), they had a few days to perform. What was danced was…boring. I was the only one that thought that, however. Riker danced a solid routine, but it was SO by-the-books that it felt lackluster. It looked a couple times like he was trying way too hard. Bruno loved the individuality in the dance, making me wonder if I watched something different. Again, I love this pairing, but these last two weeks were just eh. An 8 from Len, a 9 from Julianne, and two 10s.
The team freestyle dances were next, but they ended up being worthless. Team YOLO, featuring Nastia, Willow, Robert and Noah, was a fun 50s beach number, with Robert pulling a Fosse and Willow KILLING IT. Team Trouble, featuring Patti, Riker, Rumer and Chris, made Chris look even better and showed us RIker wearing guy liner in the package. Both got a 39, so who cares?
Patti left us, breaking everyone’s heart while simultaneously making sense. My friend suggests she join the troupe, which I absolutely agree with! Love ya Miss Patti! I leave you with her rendition of “Over the Rainbow,” once again. See you next week for the double elimination!
(P.S. So, my classic dance section I usually do at the end I’ve stopped doing, since I’d rather do a Top 10 list for the 10th anniversary special. Stay Tuned!)
Marshal Knight is a writer based in Orlando, FL. He is the co-owner of the pop culture blog UMSURE.com and the full owner of a Rosie O’Donnell Barbie. He’d like to thank Sandra Oh.