Hello my jumping Jenna Johnsons! (Troupe Member reference!) It was Disney Night in the ballroom and WOW was it bad. On all levels. Dance wise, judging wise…it was a bad nice. Production value was exceptional, especially with the opening number featuring Dumbo flying, Cinderella dancing, and AMAZING CGI castle, and the Fab Five present. The best opening of the season, hands down. That, however, was a high point for an otherwise depressingly sad episode. BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!
- Suzanne & Tony-Jazz: After a rehearsal package showing that Suzanne considered leaving the competition (SAY IT AIN’T SO!), which was weird foreshadowing, they danced to “He’s A Tramp”. Not only was it not my favorite version, but they also didn’t utilize the Peggy Lee audio. I. Was. Livid. Anyway, the dance opened with them at Tony’s (probably the Magic Kingdom version, that place is always empty!), surrounded by Tony himself, along with Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti. So cute and such a fun effect. The dance, on the other hand, was rougher than uncooked spaghetti (notice how I don’t excel at metaphors…). Suzanne caught her heel on the back of her dress in the middle of the dance, which made her get off beat for a large portion of the number. It was very unfortunate, since it was her best dance, technique wise! All the judges were so disappointed she messed up, even though she did well, leading to straight SEHVENs.
- Robert & Kym-Quickstep: Dancing to “Step In Time”, Robert’s step were clearly not in time, leading to a practically imperfect dance, in EVERY way. It will take more than a spoonful of sugar to make that dance be forgotten. Dick Van Dyke. (End of Mary Poppins References) A multitude of things were wrong with the routine, including the use of the fast paced song, but making the number half the speed. If the issue was Robert not being able to keep up, they should have picked a different song. Highlight was Kym flying in, a la 8 shows a week for 6 years at the New Amsterdam Theatre flying. The dance didn’t use my favorite version of “Step in Time,” which was also disappointing. I ALMOST FORGOT, Robert and Kym behind the curtain last week, featured in the rehearsal package…they are sooooo a thing. I am so happy they are a thing. #DWTSBabies. Carrie Ann said a really mean Chim-Chim-ChaBOOOOO joke and then the judges gave them straight 6s. YIKES. At least they made out during commercial (that is based on no facts whatsoever).
They came back from break to see two troupe members doing the Jessie and Buzz Spanish “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” routine and it was BRILLIANT! Ugh, so good. Have I mentioned it was great?!
- Patti & Artem-Waltz: They danced to “When You Wish Upon A Star,” the dance described by Patti as “heck on wheels”. America, you need to keep her around for soundbites ALONE. She was bright canary yellow, BECAUSE SHE’S OUR STAR! #Truth #Facts. After a magnificent poetic reading of the lyrics by Miss Patti and a super cool projection skirt, the dance began. It was good. It wasn’t great. It was good. That translated to three SEHVENs and a 6, from Len. However, Pinocchio was at the judges table and he LOVED it (He liked Pleasure Island originally, though, so should we trust his opinions?). Erin asked her in the Skybox about her knee still in pain, and her response was “My knee is nothing. Noah has one leg.” I love Miss Patti.
- Willow & Mark-Foxtrot: After a completely and utterly useless rehearsal package, as far as seeing actually rehearsals (because Willow DOESN’T WANT A SNACK!), they began their quickstep to “Alice’s Theme” (which is not my favorite Alice in Wonderland song). Mark was in full White Rabbit make-up, which was a mix of amazing and horrifying. I found the quickstep beautifully done, with another gorgeous concept and sharp movements from Willow. Willow is also the PERFECT Alice. She is perfect. PERFECT. After Tom took out Mark’s contact lens (ew.) the judges proceeded to give stupid feedback, like Carrie Ann stating she saw Willow lose her footing (lies) and Len thought the concept got in the way sometimes (LIIIIIES). I then put together that Julianne’s hair was purple from Coachella. The judges then gave them two 8s, from Carrie Ann and Len, and two 9s. That dance should have AT LEAST received all 9s. I was pissed off and made sure my friends who watched the show with me knew at least once every 6-7 minutes.
- Chris & Witney-Quickstep: Let’s get something straight before I begin. Hercules is my all-time favorite animated movie. While I may change my favorite TV Show or musical by the day, Hercules always will remain my number 1. So, when I heard Chris was assigned “Zero to Hero” (of course, the way it was sung last night was not as good as the original), I was simultaneously heartbroken and ecstatic. We are in the midst of a Hercules renaissance and I am ALL FOR IT. Anyway, his footwork was probably his best yet, but his frame was uncomfortable to look at. Either way, he didn’t completely botch my favorite film, so it was a win. A 6 from Len (he described the dance as “Fine,” which is my new favorite soundbite from the show), and SEHVENs from everyone else. Witney was rocking Meg’s hairstyle, however, so I would’ve given them at least one 8 just for that.
- Noah & Sharna-Foxtrot: “The Whole New World,” as Noah calls it, was the song they danced to and it was decent, but boring. He flew in on a magic carpet a la DCA, and then proceeded to dance a very solid, but ultimately boring routine, except for Sharna’s AH-mazing facial expressions throughout the dance. Sharna told Noah to “Suck it up, Princess” during the rehearsals, which I would’ve hoped created some better elongated movements and a tad more musicality, but alas, it didn’t. The worst part, however, was how the judges commended his sway (Len), confidence (Julianne), and connection (Bruno)…but the gave him straight SEHVENs. Um, those two things don’t match up.
- Riker & Allison-Paso Doble: They danced to one of the best pieces of movie score to come along since the millennium started, from Pirates the Caribbean. I was the lone dissenting voice, but I did not enjoy the dance. Here’s the truth, I LOVE Allison and Riker this season. They are a wonderful duo that have had a stellar past four episodes, however this dance was so bizarre to me. His beginning solo made him look clinically insane, followed by movements that looked too forced (not paso forced, weird forced), ending with him looking too winded paired with wacky facial expressions. The judges couldn’t stop praising him, which I am fine with since he deserves to stay, but I was just overwhelmed with my hatred for the dance. Two 9s, from Julianne and Len, and two 10s (on amazing Mickey head paddles, that I would pay a large sum of money for).
- Rumer & Val-Samba: After being pushed into choosing a princess for her dance, she voted to be Ursula, thus using up the entire body paint budget for the show. It was a super sharp, incredibly powerful and wonderfully themed samba (leading to question: was Val supposed to be Flotsam or Jetsam?! THE WORLD WONDERS!). Here’s the thing though, it wasn’t as memorable as other dances this season. Rumer’s Disco/Salsa and Willow’s Hunger Games routine are two dances that are not only two of my all-time favorites, but I know that I will remember them for years to come. This was amazing in the moment, but that moment will be the only time I care about it. Also, why did a man sing “Poor Unfortunate Souls”?! It wasn’t my favorite version, that’s for sure. Demi loved it, because OF COURSE SHE DID! Len gave a 9, but the rest gave Mickey Mouse 10s!
- Nastia & Derek-Jazz: Dancing to “Love Is An Open Door,” this became the definition of boring! The choreography had no flow, it was a boring dance, and they ran all over the floor, so the routine always seemed very choppy and like it wasn’t complete. I, like most of America, am bored of Frozen too, so it was a lot of boring in 2 minutes. Or course, since the judges don’t have the ability to give any bad comment to Derek, they gave them two 9s, from Carrie Ann and Len, and two Mickey Head 10s. Again, I Was LIVID!
Suzanne and Tony left us this week, by doing their final dance to “It’s A Small World” (not my favorite version, however), which was a surprise to me, as I expected Chris to leave. At least we get more Witney this way! Next week is Spring Break in ballroom, so I am assuming LOTS of body shots. Let me know your thoughts on this week’s dances!
Marshal Knight is a writer based in Orlando, FL. He is the co-owner of the pop culture blog UMSURE.com and the full owner of a Rosie O’Donnell Barbie. He’d like to thank Sandra Oh.