A new episode is upon us, possibly all in San Diego? Maybe some in Ojai? Who knows when a pandemic is sweeping the globe! It’s Idol’s word and we all just live in it. Just grab some crystals and get ready to critique some singers, y’all!
Amanda Mena immediately opens the episode with enough falsetto to open a second Broadway revival, and yet, a blasé delivery. It sends her to Hollywood, along with sending her to the recesses of my mind. This three-second appearance makes me think the Idol gods feel equally indifferent.
Liahona and Ammon Olayan are a package deal. The only thing Lionel can mention about either is that they grew up in a tent in Hawaii. “Moneybags Richie” has probably never even touched a tent, so he was dumbfounded. An original song performed by the brother and sister duo is actually not bad. As a hater of original songs, the song sounds, just as Lionel says, fresh! While Ammon’s voice isn’t as strong, Liahona’s voice is stunning. She sings with affectations that I highly disdain, but either way, her base voice is strong and perfectly suited to modern pop. Three yes votes lead them both to Hollywood, even though all three judges seem like they are very apprehensive about Ammon’s success. We’ll see during that horrid week of hellish vocal tests! My favorite!
Tell me if you’ve heard this one: A Nordic nut-job walks in with a grossly unmanicured beard and enough bad cosplay to make me want to jump off the top of a convention center. Katy Perry gives the best “um, what?” look I’ve ever seen. After a brief scream fest, Anthony Guzman starts to sing with a croon that doesn’t match his attire. It’s rich, it’s sweet, it’s just so gosh darn pleasant! Katy does critique mid-song to “get loose with it,” which is warranted. Mr. “Skoal!” gets two yes votes, a ticket to Hollywood, and hopefully a gift card to H&M to get a new look.
Hannah Everhart’s montage includes a Loretta Lynn song, so unfortunately, I’m in. She's a super small town. Like, “I can’t believe you can pee in the air.” small. She sings “Wayfaring Stranger,” and the judges give an overwhelming rebuttal of “eh.” When Hannah brings up that her second choice was Etta James’ “At Last,” they ask her to sing that as well. She’s not bad (other than the singing-from-the-back-of-the-throat), but she is nowhere near ready to join the Idol ranks. Katy has to walk her through her second song as if this entire audition was a workshop. That isn’t worthy of a golden ticket. AT ALL. Yet, three yes votes get her to Hollywood. I’m so confused.
Calvin Upshaw walks out of the room holding a golden ticket…and then we get his montage and audition. I don’t enjoy this editing style! I find it anticlimactic. It’s the Idol version of Monsters University. I don’t need audition prequels. Yet, it brings back the return of the Skype-webcam-holographic-wall-of-dreams-and-nightmares! He starts to sing and it’s filled with riffs and no control over anything he’s singing. His performance is that of someone in a car when their song comes on the radio and the windows are rolled down. I have a sad feeling that the judges are being too willy-nilly with contestants this season. As sweet as Calvin is, he has no reason to be moving on. Yet, three yes votes get him to Hollywood. I’m hopeful that Hollywood week can help create a control in his voice and abilities, as there is a clear passion for singing that can’t be taught. Fingers crossed.
Casey Bishop is 15 years old and I already want to wither away. FIFTEEN?! Thanks for reaffirming my worthlessness, Casey. She’s an old soul. She’s singing Motley Crue. Her voice? Honey, my number one thus far. The power in her belt is wackadoo beautiful. I’ve used this adjective before, but her voice is so rich. The discipline used on both songs she sings during her audition is that of a 55 year-old crooner from the old country. While no one will compete with Melinda Doolittle’s “My Funny Valentine,” I’m still 1000 percent on board with Miss Bishop!
Yurisbel is here from Miami to bring reggaeton and hip-hop. K. “It’s dinner time. Have a taste of Yurisbel.” I don’t know how, but that line should be constituted as a hate crime. He misses his performing, very not-dead, grandmother and he is auditioning with her in mind. In the least subtle song choice ever, he’s singing Pitbull. I just…I can’t be bothered tonight. I shouldn’t be required to write about this.
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I’m getting word from my editor that I am required to write about this. The judges talk about the dancing to avoid talking about the singing (?). Katy says no because “I don’t think anyone would ever trust me ever again if I say yes.” She also says no because she has a brain. However, miraculously and ridiculously, with two yes votes, he’s through to Hollywood. I hate everything about everything.
Chayce Beckham talkin’ ‘bout forklifts! Sure, why not! His parents discuss that his drinking led him down a dark path for a while, but luckily, his music helped him on a road to recovery. Once he sings, it’s as if Phillip Phillips decided he needed a new record deal, got a new name, and auditioned once again. A grit and a rasp to his voice that gave me goosebumps, but also a tone that is filled with emotion and a full life lived. However, the real facecrack was he’s into reggae normally? UB40, watch your back. He’s gonna go far and I support it!
Ace Stiles comes in with a perfect sense of style that has me obsessed. While he sings in cursive (that crazily overly affected voice that can become a bit much if not toned down), his story and his supportive mother and his original song and his self worth? I am weeping big, salty, wet tears. As we head into commercial break, Luke doesn’t want to say yes to Ace, so I began to sharpen my pitchfork. Yes to Yurisbel, but no to this ANGEL of a human with actual TALENT?! His Country Music Awards should be revoked.
We come back from commercial and they all say no because “Ace needs more time.” Ace is bawling and Yurisbel is through and I’m actually livid. I’m pissed. This is disgusting. I’m torching this place to the ground. I will never let this show live this down.
Cassandra Coleman comes in with a gorgeous voice and the energy of someone who walked around her high school always holding a guitar. There are some nerves present, but it’s still a beautiful voice. She’s been perfecting her craft for years, trust. Probably during 4th period study hall, with everyone else in her class annoyed beyond belief. After saying she’s not great on the piano, Lionel puts her on the spot. She cowers, “Oh, I don’t know if I know anything!” and then perfectly plays a song. Cassandra is a liar, I just know it. Luke Bryan says “We’ve never heard someone like you before” and that’s also a lie. Kind of annoyed with everything about this, even though she’s good.
Our final audition of the night is Willie Spence and he is already crying over his passion for singing. The man lost 200 lbs over the past year, so he gets a crying free pass from me. He starts to sing “Diamonds” by Rihanna and I threw my hands up like I was in the Church of Idol. (Let us pray to the all-knowing Spirit of Seacrest!) His tone is otherworldly, his runs are perfectly executed, and I am already sending in my votes by texting IDOL1. What a wash of vocal perfection for me to bathe in this Sunday evening. His goal is to win a Grammy within the next 5 years and I would like to see it!
Even with the great auditions, this episode left me angry more than anything. Here’s hoping Week 3 of auditions brings me back to sanity, though I’m not sure that’s possible. Justice for Ace Stiles!